North Carolina taxpayers for giving me the opportunity to fail out of one of the finest public institutions in the country as well as bankrolling my boyfriend Tyler Hansbrough’s NBA dreams
Hugh Grant’s hair for its stunning performance in such classic films as Notting Hill (luvz it) and that one with Claudia Schiffer
Hard working minorities for providing my eggs Benedict every Sunday
Lesbian celebrities with the exception of Rosie O’Donnell and Condolezza Rice
Google (Chat mostly, but also Reader. Both are excellent distractions from higher education)
Baby polar bears
Weaver St. hula hoopers for providing the community with a collective object of scorn
Wikipedia, which recently schooled me in the overwhelming theme of Mariah Carey’s collected albums, Or Mimi Can Haz a Noun: Emotions (1991), Music Box (1993), Daydream (1995), Butterfly (1997), Rainbow (1999), Glitter (2001), and Charmbracelet (2002)
My new divinely-inspired diet: More of Jesus, Less of Me